DO YOU HAVE MY NOUNS?

by Guest Blogger Mary Jane Maffini

So, do you have my nouns? Some days there isn't a single one to be heard in our house. In chat between my husband and me, nada. It's not like the dogs can eat them. They've just disappeared. Take today's morning conversation:

He, looking frazzled. "Where's my um …?"

Me, taking one eye off fascinating newspaper article featuring severed body parts. "What um?"

"You know, the …" Voice trails off again.  Cute silver head is scratched. He is wondering what is wrong with his wife that she can't tear herself from the blood and gore story to answer the simplest question. "Things, the things. I need them to start the um."

"Oh right. I think I saw them on the whatzit,  next to your … Did you check there?"

"What whatzit?" He is starting to get annoyed, but doesn't want to show it, at least not until he finds the things.

"What things?" I counter. He's not the only one who can get annoyed.

"I had them when I got back yesterday because I used them to open the …"

"Did you look on the whatzit?" I point upwards toward the bedroom, which has several whatzits, one of them with things on it.

Grumbling starts. "Now I'm going to be late meeting what's-his-name at--." Snapping fingers follows grumbles, trying to get a handle on what's-his-name. A noun is after all person, place or thing. The persons and places can vanish too. Snapping fingers will not bring them back, as we've learned the hard way.

Of course, it doesn't pay for me to get too uppity. It's merely a matter of time before I find myself saying "Have you seen that pile of stuff that was here yesterday? There's a lot of important er … "

"What pile of stuff?"

"You know, the, um. It was this high, over there by the you know."

"Your voice trailed off. What stuff again?"

Of course, he has no choice but to cooperate. After all, didn't I help him find those things on the whatzit just this morning? "Are you certain you didn't move it somewhere?"

"I don't think so."

"Sure you did.. It's right over by the gizmo near the the uh. Oops, watch out for the queerthing on the -- .  Are you all right? Did you hurt your …?"

Okay, all this, including missing noun injuries, might be expected if we didn't own six thousand books, including at least eighteen dictionaries. Or if we hadn't both read obsessively as children. I took care of fiction, he was in charge of non-fiction. Even if I wasn't as a friend once described me 'a known talker'. So it's not like we didn't ever have a supply of fancy upscale and occasionally obscure nouns to sprinkle in our sentences, insert into conversations or meaningful questions.

Of course, what good are dictionaries when you have to check everything under S for stuff or T for thing?

I put my lapses down to the brain-frying activity writing two books this year. They each contained mountains of nouns, many of them scary if not dangerous. That must be what's edging them out. But seriously, what's his excuse? Oh well, it's not so bad, really. As long as our verbs don't  start to, you know … um.
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Mary Jane Maffini is the author of the Charlotte Adams mysteries and two Canadian series: the Ottawa-based Camilla MacPhee books and the Fiona Silk novels set in West Quebec. Her latest book, Law & Disorder, the sixth in the Camilla MacPhee series, is absolutely crawling with nouns. Verbs, too.

Comments

[Mare F]

LOL. You mean to say that this is not a normal conversational mode???? It sounds exactly like the noises at my house with a few meows and squawks thrown into the mix.I'm not sure if this is reassuring or not, but you are sooooo not alone.

[Pat Brown]

Here's hoping you find your thingies and whatzits before serious injury ensues -- hey, isn't that one of um, the stuff, right behind that other thingie over there? Oh bother, now I've lost my train of thought.

[Donnell Bell]

Too cute. I hate to tell you this... If you're a member of the Baby Boomer generation or beyond, I suspect this Noun loss is epidemic. I thought that conversation made perfect sense! :)

[Leann Sweeney]

I had a conversation with The Husband exactly like this just today. He found the thingee he was looking for after I told it was probably on the whatcha-ma-call-it.

Leann

[Helen Kiker]

I think they are all on the Messy Desk.

Helen

[Mary Jane Maffini]

I am sure glad you all recognize the um that I'm going through. Helen, they could indeed be on the messy whatzit. Maybe Leann and I and The Husbands could have a support group, if we could rememeber what we called it!

Donnell, thanks for the reassurance! Booming indeed. And hey, Pat! Whatever you said, right on.

You always crack me up, Mare. Laugh is a noun I'll never lose!

mj (or whoever)

[Glenda]

Well at our house we are often reduced to sign language so then all parts of speech are gone. I'm not referring to traditional "sign" either. Like when my husband is looking through drawers, through stacks of mail and under and in every nook and cranny and I say (or USED to say) "What are you looking for?" and he answers "Nothing.". Translation? Nothing you need to worry about. But the real sign language part is when he pats his stomach and looks a little distressed and starts looking into the fridge and cabinets. Translation? What's for dinner and when are you going to get it started?
Both of us have chatty jobs so by days end we often are chatted out.
Glenda

[barbara fradkin]

I've found it helps to flap or twirl the hand rapidly, as if beckoning to the noun to come to me. It doesn't bring the noun running, but it makes my listener pitch a series of possibilities my way. Unless it's one of the dogs, in which case they just cock their head practically sideways trying to figure out what I mean.

[Angela]

I'm a year behind all you Boomers, but I may qualify based on genetics and upbringing. That conversation was soooooo my mom! And I understood absolutely every sound, uh, I mean, word. Scary!

[Joan Boswell]

Capitalized nouns slunk away long ago and now the others are oozing and sliding out of sight leaving me alone with the whatsits and whoseits and other Dr. Seus words. Is there any help?

[Mary Jane Maffini]

I'd be happier if your comments weren't funny than my blog, you guys! Thanks for the laughs |Glenda, Barb and Joan. And Angela? We're sneaking up on yo.

mj

[Rayanne]

Here in our house we've taken the loss of nouns ever further. Watching husband wander through the house peering in odd places as he goes - no questions asked, I look at him and say - 'on the dresser' or 'in your car'. It's almost scary that I usually know what he's looking for.

[Mary Jane Maffini]

Rayanne, I think I can use that in a book! Scary, but funny. mj

[dkester]

Could this be a northern thing? I grew up in the south. We couldn't afford shoes, much less nouns, so we made do with thingy and whatchamacallit and dowhichy and thingamabob and so forth. Never knew there was such a thing as nouns until I went away to college.
DKester

[Mary Jane Maffini]

Too funny I am glad I wasn't drinking something when I read this. My screen would be ruined. I think you may be right! But now, the Great Northern Noun is threatened with extinction, just like polar bears.

MJ (having a lucid moment, but not for long)

[Kaye Barley]

You have made my morning with this -
How fun to start the day with a giggle and a snort!!!
But - it does just hit a little too close to home . . .

[Linda Wiken]

What fun to read, even without the ...ums. It's reassuring to know there are others who communicate as I do. I strongly believe, and I'm quoting here, nouns are highly over-rated.

[Vix Ink]

wow this....uhhh....thing is uhhhh........

dang it...now my Nouns are missing! I blame you and your funny books Maffini!

[Mary Jane Maffini]

I see that a support group is needed. Happy snorting, Kaye. Linda, you're right about nouns being overrated, and my darlin' Vix, you always make your old mum laugh.