posted by Jeanne Munn Bracken
I live about 13 miles from my job, which I describe as a short but slow commute. I just mention Route 2 and everyone groans. Wall to wall traffic, bumper to bumper traffic, back to back and belly to belly traffic. And that's on a good day, with sunshine but not at an angle to blind drivers. A few drops of rain screw up the process, and God forbid a flake of snow should fall. Chaos.
Most mornings (and I say this with trepidation, in fear of incurring the wrath of the Traffic Gods) I have a fairly smooth ride to work.
It's a good thing, too, because morning is not my finest hour. Even showered, clothed and somewhat caffeinated, I can be a leeeetle touchy. Most mornings, too, I carpool with my older daughter, which can lead to deep sighs on her part at whatever audiobook I am "reading" at the time. So she (after grabbing a smoke--when did I start allowing her to smoke in the car?) tunes up her MP3 player and I, if not distracted by a particularly good narrator or tale, am reduced to talking to the other drivers.
Sad to say, my "backseat driving" doesn't end at my bumpers or fenders. I have enough good advice to spread around, and I do so liberally. In case you are sharing the road with me and haven't picked up on my helpful hints, here is a sample:
"Hey, you! The guy driving the car behind me! I can see you just fine. I can almost read your watch. Did you have a question? If not, BACK OFF!"
"See that sign up there? The one that says "25"? In case you're as clueless as you seem, that's not your age, your golf handicap or, (and I'm stretching it here) your IQ. It is a "speed limit" and it's not a vague suggestion. I may be only driving 5-10 miles an hour over the speed limit, but that's the level at which I feel comfortable, given the hoards of not-very-good drivers sharing the road this morning. I would feel even more comfortable if you would BACK OFF!"
"You and I both know that you are going to pass me without regard to solid yellow lines, hills, curves, or potential oncoming traffic. And I will be praying that there is an officer hiding around that corner, but you'll probably be very lucky in that regard and get away with nearly killing both of us. However, when I, following at my sedate, nearly-legal pace, catch up with you at the next traffic light, I'll wave and blow you a kiss, because I'm in the right lane, you're in the left lane, and in a minute I'll be ahead of you again. HAH!"
"Yeah, I know we're approaching the infamous Reformatory Rotary by the
medium-security prison. Do I have to explain again how this works? MassHighway officials, in their infinite wisdom and probably tired of clearing accidents at the "roundabout", have posted the law: Entering Traffic Yields to Traffic in the Rotary, or similar wording. It's right up there with the triangular YIELD sign, with also is not a suggestion. We have three drivers in our family at the moment; two of us have had not-our-fault accidents at the rotary. That's 66 2/3%, which I suspect is pretty close to the fenderbender ratio among all commuters who have to navigate Reformatory Circle on a regular basis.
"So you'll still pull up beside me at the rotary, in the non-existent "left" lane, blocking my view of oncoming traffic, you and your huge SUV with freakin' black windows, which should be outlawed for safety reasons.
"If you had clear glass windows, are you afraid someone will see you picking your nose? Well, get over it. Or don't pick your nose. Makes me no nevermind."
And while I'm at it,"HANG UP THE DAMNED PHONE!" ( Last week I saw a huge tour bus negotiating a tight turn, the operator with one hand on the wheel and the other clutching a cell phone firmly to his ear. I wondered what his passengers thought of that maneuver. Maybe they were all asleep, or at least had closed their eyes in terror?)
By then I'm approaching my turnoff to skirt Walden Pond and spend the last couple of miles on a scenic backroad between newly planted fields of cabbage, pumpkins, and sweet corn. Of course, I have to share that narrow road with joggers and cyclists on good days and especially on weekend mornings.
But that's another rant for another day.
You stay safe out there on the highways, you hear?
And if you're behind me, BACK OFF!
Thank you very much.
My late father always kept up a running commentary about every other driver on the road and what they were doing wrong. He was particularly happy when he lived in Pennsylvania Dutch country and could accuse them of too much interbreeding, in addition to driving as though they were in a horse and buggy (well, there were those too). He was not exactly a shining example of good driving himself, as he tended to make stabs at the gas pedal and lurch forward quite a bit. Never did hit anyone, though--as far as I know.
Posted by: Sheila Connolly | June 25, 2009 at 09:02 AM