Craigslist Has THIS For Your Home. Be Very Afraid

Posted by Kate Flora

  It's true, isn't it? We're all worn out by the holiday barrage. Christmas isn't even here yet and we're already maxed out on chocolate, and those sawdust cookies we absent-mindedly eat because they remind us of childhood, and anything sprinkled with crushed up pieces of candy cane? We're even a little squeamish about mint brownies, though we'd probably eat another one if someone set it near us, especially after the second glass of wine or punch. So here, to leaven the holidays, are some products you don't have to buy for the holidays. Things you wouldn't want in your house but that contemplating will put a smile on your face.

I'm a confirmed Craigslist junkie. When I'm taking a break between chapters, I surf
the list to see if there are nice things I could use to upgrade my home. I have a lovely mirror in the guest room, a duvet and curtains on another guest bed, two black bedside tables, and a great Pottery Barn runner rug in my living room. I'm first and foremost a writer, though, so I also keep a running list of the amazing things people accidentally (I hope) offer for sale. Perhaps, as you stuff the turkey, baste the ham, or fry up a batch of latkes, you will conjure up wonderful images of the items being offered and the interesting ways in which they might be used. I hope you will smile as you enjoy this time-out from shopping, wrapping, and entertaining, and that you will carry that smile to your services and your family gatherings.

Before you go on, be warned! Reading Craigslist will set you firmly against creative spelling. It will make you worry about the people who have enough money to buy expensive items but lack the ability to spell the names of their fancy products. (And I'm not talking about Louis Vuitton.) 

There is on offer, for example, some furniture with interesting musical and conversational abilities. In your own living room, you could have the challenging of dancing pine, described thusly: "They are in an unfinished pine but could easily be painted to match in a matter of minuets." Once your pine furniture has finished Dancing With The Stars, you might want a bit of a rest and a chat, so throw yourself down on this sofa, in "perfect condition, originally from Boston Interiors, nice sky blue patter, comfortable."

But perhaps a sky blue patter becomes wearing and you need to get out of the room. Fine, retreat to your office, furnished with such useful items as "chairs w/arms on wheels." If you can stand the commotion, this chair is very entertaining. In time, you might even teach it to fetch, or put away the groceries. Or perhaps you're a more sedentary type, in which case, your ideal office chair might be the "Barley used computer chair." It just hops around. Or maybe what you need is an office pet. In this case, one craigslister has the perfect ensemble: "Computer desk + chair + lamb all for - $25.00.

When it is time for dinner, you can go to the kitchen where you've placed your "wood chicken table." I have no idea how it reacts when you want to cook fish, or beef or pork, so maybe you want another "pease of furniture." Or to consult your "pantry assistant/bookshelf." Perhaps this assistant is highly mobile, like the furniture which is "on coasters, easy to move around.."

It might be time to get out of the kitchen and go sit the in the chair which "has lived in a dog house, but has never been used by pets." (How fair is that?) There you can ponder the utility of this product: "New widows!!! Super great deal!!! For home - $250." And possibly even consider whether one of these new widows might derive some pleasure from acquiring a "large antique amour - $400."Perhaps he was consigned by the woman who wrote: "Kids all are gone, and time to get rid of the cludder." Anyone want her used cludder?

If your pocketbook, like mine, is feeling weary and worn out, you might flop down on a "Very expensive sofa selling at a friction of the cost." Friction is the operative word all right--I can feel the friction of each dollar as I tug it out of my second hand wallet.

But in the end, here is the offer we've been dreaming about. Here is the ad to end all ads. Here is the perfect gift for many--though not everyone--on your list. Imagine if you shoved aside your chicken table and invited this fellow in to play among your "frying and cocking pans."

Have all of your household chores and cleaning done by an attractive, well-mannered guy in a skimpy, sexy outfit. I look great in briefs, boxers, a jock strap, thong or I will do all of your chores completely nude if you prefer.

Imagine if you will, a 33-year-old graduate student cleaning your home or apartment wearing only boxers or a thong---and the best part is that you get to watch! Or have me scrub your kitchen floors in the nude. If you have ever dreamed of a man on his hands and knees scrubbing your floors while you and your friends watch, then here is your chance.

Ah, you ask, but is he thorough in the corners and does he move the furniture?

I leave all that to your writerly imaginations.

Happy Holidays.

Comments

[Lorraine Bartlett]

My brother follows Craigslist religiously. He must buy a couple (if not more) things a week. I'm looking at a bookshelf he bought for me for Christmas last year. (Hey, I needed it!) It was unfinished and he finished it. He bought a chair last week. And and armoire last week--decided it didn't fit his needs, and it's back up on Craigslist.

I've never bought anything off of it, but I have sold a few things. I need to sell more things.

[Dennis]

Craigslist, freelist, thisandthatlist! There certainly is a lot of lists to choose from. If you can't find it here then you probably can find it there.